New Legislation Gives Hope for Re-Beautification of Country: Fat People Taxed/Euthanized

JANUARY 1, 2010

Washington -- After 48 minutes of discussion and debate, the Senate voted 73-58 to approve a bill that enables the government to take a proactive stance on obesity in America.

After 16 more minutes of Vice President Joe Biden trying to explain to them that they could not vote more than once in support or opposition of the bill and also that they could not vote to both support and oppose the bill, a revote was cast. The final count, 69-31, passed the bill.

The bill requires that overweight people, more commonly known as “fat”, be taxed 25% on all grocery store purchases, with the exception of anything containing saturated fats or from McDonald’s which will hold its own tax rate of 55%. The bill also allows overweight citizens to continue the purchase of the recently illegalized “Grape Swisher Sweet” cigar.

“It’s kind of like a consolation prize. Yeah, they can’t really eat anymore, but they can smoke things that taste like food. There are other advantages too. The bill’s allowance of fruit-flavored tobacco products will help victims of obesity lose weight and/or shorten their lives.” said Ohio Senator and bill-supporter Sherrod Brown (D).

Although the bill was passed, there are still skeptics. “This bill is going to take a long time to come fully into effect. The first six months after its put in place (January through June of 2010) the taxing process will still be left up to grocery stores and fast food chains. We’ll be running solely on the honor system and the discretion of the people of America,” said opposing Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)--most widely known and respected for his long-time battle with a rare disease that renders him physically incapable of closing his mouth and opening his eyes at the same time. Grocery stores will be recommended, but not required, to weigh customers at the cash register and to consult the Body Mass Index before selling their products. After this initial period a free “Zumba/Flirty Girl Fitness” class will become a daily requirement for the obese. They will then have a six month “grace period” to attempt to reach their appropriate weight. If they are unsuccessful they will then be given the option of either deportation or euthanasia.

The bill also includes two unrelated edicts. The first, inspired by Norwegian law, will outlaw the spaying of female dogs and cats. The second will prevent anyone from coming closer than 100 meters to a dead whale’s carcass.

President Barack Obama, an avid supporter of the bill, hopes the new legislation will bring “the best possible change in the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of our nation” as well as a “renewal of beauty and faith in mankind.”